Worth Pursuing » Sandi

The Crow and The Butterfly

Worth It — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 19:04:43 +0000

To us…She was beautiful. She was smart…no brilliant.

She could make us laugh until it hurt. She owned the room, just by walking in.

She commanded attention.

She was my support. She was my friend, no she was my sister.

At home, she was mom. She was nurturing. She cultivated her boys to be good men.

But she was weak. She was subdued. She was quiet so that he could dominate the house.

She chose to leave……

Then she met him.

He was energetic. He was charismatic.

He made her feel beautiful again. He showed her a good time.

He told her she was amazing. He told her he loved her. He told her she should be like him.

Then he told her she was nothing. He told her she would lose her children. He told her no one could love her.

He was manipulative. He was controlling. He broke her.

He broke her nose.

He broke the walls in her house.

He broke her computer, her phone, her relationships.

With her friends, with her coworkers, with her sons.

He broke her spirit.

In the end, he took her, but I won’t let him win.

I will remember her strength and I will be strong.

I will remember her love and I will nurture as she would have.

I will remember her ability to light up a room and I will have confidence.

And I will work every day to remember the real her…the her before him.

Because she was my friend and I loved her. And though I couldn’t save her, I won’t let one day go by without thanking God for the thrill of knowing her.

Unfinished Thoughts

Worth It — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 15:53:17 +0000

This week has been a tough one. I have found myself mentally blogging stories in my head to try to rid myself of the suffocating emotions that have wrapped themselves around me so tightly, that it’s tough to breathe. But when I sit to write these posts for real, I can only get so far before the blanket gets tighter and its too hard to go on. These posts are saved in my drafts. They are important to write. I need to work through these things so that I can try to shed myself of this heavy quilt once and for all. I may not be able to do this today or tomorrow or even next week, but I will. I will.

When I’m ready

Wordless Wednesday

Worth It — Wed, 26 May 2010 14:51:51 +0000

In Loving Memory of Sandi

Self Torture

Worth It — Fri, 21 May 2010 16:10:56 +0000

Tonight I go in to take my first ever “BEFORE” photo. I will be in a swimsuit. FOR. A. PHOTO. Uh….CRAP! I don’t like pictures of myself in a swimsuit when I’m at a reasonable weight. I am NOT, currently, at a reasonable weight for me. But, I think the way to take this seriously and understand the life changes I have to make, I NEED to do this. So today, I take a picture.

Tomorrow, after going to the Goo Goo Dolls concert outdoors tonight. I go to do a pre-session physical capability test. Run a mile, do sit ups for one minute, do push ups for one minute, weigh in, take measurements, etc. (Clearly beer consumption will be limited, at best.)

THEN, after that, I am going to attempt to learn how to golf via instruction from my boyfriend and his buddy. I do NOT do well with being taught to do anything. CRAP! But, I HAVE to learn because my company golf outing is in two weeks and I have to take the place of my best friend. I have learned how to make bomb pop shots and will make breakfast burritos, so, although they are big shoes to fill….all that’s left is the “learning how to golf thing”. I’m really counting on getting those around me drunk enough that I don’t have to worry about it.

Why do I do this stuff to myself???

Masochistic Kisses,

Angi

The Angel By My Side

Worth It — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:27:21 +0000

I’ve tried to write this post 100 times since January 9th of this year. One of my best friends died. She was a strong and amazing woman. She embraced life. She dominated the room, regardless of who else was there. She found a way to ALWAYS get what she wanted. She had no fear. But, she had a weakness. As strong as she was with everyone else, she was weak when it came to men. Very weak. She morphed herself into what they wanted when she found one that interested her. Unfortunately, the last one she found was a master manipulator, who changed her, forever. Some day I hope to be able to tell her story.

In the meantime, I struggle everyday with how to go do those things that were so important to us. Not only was she my best friend, she was my life line at work. Together we were going to take over the world. Together, we were going to get our division under control, operating the way WE thought it should. Together, we were going to teach our youngest kids to swim…confidently. Together, we were going to see every concert we could afford. Together, we would celebrate my engagement. Together, we would plan this wedding. Together, we laughed. Together, we cried. Together…

I just walked past her empty cube today. It still doesn’t seem possible. I have to remind myself that it’s real, far too often. It’s tough to find the way to do all of these things without her. She held the key to world domination. And yet, days like today, where I know we should be plotting away to get out of work early, head to the bar and sit outside to enjoy one of the first real days of spring, my heart is heavy. But, as I returned to my office from this lonely walk, the first thing my eye was drawn to was this…

She gave this to me a week before she died. I don’t think that either one of us could have imagined the angel by my side would be her….