12 Aug 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Love, parenting
Since the day my oldest was born, I’ve been on the quest for the holy grail to earn the title of BEST MOM. EVER! We all do, to some extent. I, myself, am not competing with you specifically. I merely have an image of what a mom is supposed to be for her children, and I dream big. I have set a bar so high, that no one could rightfully reach it all the time. But I began striving immediately….Of course I would breastfeed. I made baby food from scratch for both of my babies. I didn’t put my career on hold, but it certainly played second fiddle. I read to them every night. I taught them to listen and appreciate music. I make elaborate birthday cakes or creative parties. I have sewn them , because we couldn’t find ones that they really wanted. I have searched high and low to create perfect made from scratch Halloween costumes. We eat dinner together, and usually it’s healthy food…but sometimes we just eat cereal for dinner. I laugh with them, play with them and most importantly discipline them so that they can grow up to be good human beings. Despite work requiring much of my time, I make commitments to my kids, in writing, that I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that the fact that their mother works they will not hinder them from being kids or participating in things. Sometimes that gets me in trouble at work, but to me, it’s worth it. I go on field trips with their schools, I meet them for lunch…because some day they won’t want me to. I watch my daughter in her dance class, when the studio allows. I’m sure I have other errands I should be running, but it means so much to both of us when I can be there. I support my son completely in his quest for his black belt. So much so that I trained with him to keep him pushing for bigger and better. It’s almost fun to do push-ups, sit ups or run…when you’re doing it to help your son become more than he is today. I sit at the table and do their homework with them, or review it when their done. I am present…even when it’s hard to be.
Some days, that bar I set seems so far out of my reach. I lose my temper. I yell when I should just walk away. I don’t leave us enough time and get all panicky and shouty when we’re running late. I CAN’T. STAND. THEIR. FIGHTING…and so I send them to their rooms for alone time, or make them sit on the couch and hold hands until I’m no longer frustrated. I forget things…lunches, bookfair money, early school dismissals, you know the drill. My biggest regret in my children’s life is that they will, for the rest of their lives, have two homes. In the days when my divorce was imminent, I don’t think that in my mind, I could even see the bar from where I was. But I made sure that I found a place that would be home for them. They each had their own room with their name over the door. There would be no mistake that they belonged and that it was home. It seems that it never gets easier, sharing custody of them. I never want to see them go. I call them every night they’re with their father. I regret not being able to read to them before bed (yes, even at 11 and 7 we still do that) tuck them in those nights and kiss my daughter’s head or ruffly my son’s hair. I am sad because I know that their father does not do these things with them.
What I have learned is that in this quest for the perfect mother award, I have tripped and fallen on my face more than I care to admit. I regret that I have to share my time with them and them with me. I have to be careful not to let these small moments keep me down. Because, what I do know is this…
I am the best mother for them that I know how to be.
I love them unconditionally.
Children need both a mother and a father…and while he may not nurture them like I do…I sure as hell am not going to pick up a snake and teach them all that I can about it.
No matter how much I want it, I will never be perfect; no one is. But I do know that I am the perfect mother for my children.
I may never win Mother of the Year accolades, but when my children look back on their childhood, they will remember me. Always by their side. Cheering them on. Teaching them right from wrong. Holding their hands. Treating their wounds. Laughing with them. Loving them wholly for who they are. For that, I will gladly accept an Honorable Mention.
09 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships, vacation, Wedding
I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time. **Side note: Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently** When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working. Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable. He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room. I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag. I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming. I’ve almost got it, he said. I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work. Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm. I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom. I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office. I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed. He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around. He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him. Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, “Of course I will.” It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget.
This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t. After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”. I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?” He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him. With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.” And ask he did.
Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas. “I’d love that”, I said.
Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.
Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.
Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.
Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony. We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far. The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight. It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.” and the only answer I had for him was…yes.
28 Jun 2010
by Worth Itin Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships
One of the first things I said after my divorce was, I’ll never get married again. And I really believed that. Mind you, I didn’t plan to grow old alone, but I wasn’t comfortable with letting the idea of being “married” and all the stress it put on my previous relationship happen to me again. Then slowly, I started to discover that neither the pomp and circumstance of a wedding, nor the vows of the marriage had dissolved what my ex and I had created. We did. We never talked about our feelings, we only yelled when we were angry. We didn’t hear what the other was saying, we just planned our next rebuttal. We were proud people, who forgot to build OUR team. We forgot to put each other first. We grew in different directions. When life handed us circumstances that made it easy for us to grow apart, we didn’t put our efforts into building a stronger US…we put our efforts into making ourselves more independent. We erased the need or desire to lean on the other person. It wasn’t marriage that did that, it was little choices that we made along the way. Unintentional choices, that chipped away and eroded our foundation.
So when Mike and I were first dating, I made some stupid off-hand comment about never getting married again. And for just a split second, a look of hurt flashed across his face. I never said those words out loud again…although, there was still a part of me that thought that. Then months later, we were arguing about something small, and we both recognized early on that it was me…carrying my baggage of my past relationship. He said to me, “I’m not him…let me make my own mistakes.” And it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Just because I’d failed once, didn’t mean I was destined to fail again. In fact, I was now armed with experience and knowledge of what can happen.” And so I let him be him…and he failed and I failed, but we did it together. And when we fail, we talk about it. And when we hurt one another, we talk about it. And when we are feeling lonely or needy, we tell one another. I learned to be vulnerable with him. That if I tell him my feelings, he will listen and he will HEAR me. I learned that a relationship is never cemented, it’s one day at a time. Every day a blessing, every day a battle, every day important. So Mike and I, we talk, every day. We talk about little things, we talk about big things. We share our frustrations of work. We share our successes at work or fitness or parenting. He and I, we’re a team…every day.
So when he asked if I would spend the rest of my life with him, the only answer I could have possibly given was yes. (Well, actually I said, sure…which led him to ask me about 6 more times over the next 4 days until he heard the answer he truly wanted, but that’s a story for another day.) Because, together we will build a marriage, one brick, one talk, one kiss, one day at a time. Never forgetting that to say I do, is to say I will, each day for the rest of my life.
Anxiously Engaged,
Angi
13 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Five for Ten, Love, Our Mike, parenting, working out
Having a partner that wakes you up for a 5:00 AM kickboxing class…because he knows that you will both have fun doing it together…and getting up and giving it your all, because you DO enjoy working out together.
Getting a Mother’s Day card from your daughter that simply states…”You make me smile”…and telling her that the sight of her face and the sound of her voice do the same thing for you everyday.
Flowers brought home and put in a vase, for no reason…and stopping to smell them, each time you pass by.
When your son is in a snuggling mood all day….even when he’s 11…and not letting the length of your to-do list push him away.
Coming home from the longest day ever, to find that the dishwasher has been emptied and reloaded…and thanking your family for helping to carry the load.
Being greeted at the door by your pets when you get home…they missed you so much while you were gone…and taking a moment to pet each one.
The smile from your kids when you show up somewhere they don’t expect you…and realizing that merely the sight of you brightened their day.
Being wrapped up in your lover’s arms… and taking the time to hug back.
Seeing your kids play together…without fighting…and stopping for a moment to enjoy the show.
When your best friend sends you a note, just to say she’s thinking of you…and taking the time to tell her you’re lucky to have her in your life.
Every day, something happens that allows for happiness. Choosing to acknowledge it, feel it and let it consume you is the difference between being happy and pursuing happy. It’s the everyday small things, that if we take the time to recognize how they make us feel, will keep us fulfilled and happy.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
13 Apr 2010
by Worth Itin Love, Stress Tags: Love, relationships
We are shaped by the relationships with friends and lovers of our past. There’s no doubt about that. I am a better person because of almost every relationship I’ve been in. But with every broken heart and lost commitment comes baggage. Baggage makes us react inappropriately. Baggage makes us reach for blame. Baggage makes us act like victims instead of making things happen for us. Most days, I recognize my baggage and manage my way through it, logically. But on those spectacular days, when my baggage partners with my somewhat shaky self-esteem, I seem to fall apart. I’m no longer logical. I’m an emotional wreck. I can’t talk about it, OR EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT, because my logical mind can’t resolve the emotional issues. (Of note, it’s taken me three days to write this post so far.)
But I have spent the last three days thinking about it. And baggage, while a heavy troublesome load some days, also allows us to carry the courage to resolve little things before they become the big things that hurt in the past. We have places to house the lessons we’ve learned. Baggage holds dear the secrets that we’ve kept to ourselves but somehow when we let those secrets out of the bag, we grow. We’re stronger in our own right. We’re stronger in our relationships. In the end, our load is lighter, because someone is eventually willing to help us carry our baggage.
With a fuller heart and a lesser burden,
Angi
23 Mar 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love Tags: Love, procrastination
It’s typically my thing. So much so, that my man, makes jokes, comments or questions “the plan” at least three times a week. I have to work through the details in my head. No matter what the issue: work, home, kids, the man, friends, family…Sometimes, in mulling the details, I will freak out for awhile but then I ALWAYS start to pull together “the plan”. But not this time…and I don’t know why.
You see, the man and I got engaged while on vacation. Which is awesome in ways I haven’t figured out how to put in words. Originally, my plan, after my divorce, was to NEVER under any circumstances marry again. Plans change…and that’s the best part. The man…he gets me. He’s been my friend for 17, almost 18 years. When I first got separated, he helped me find a million sort of insane things that I could do to prove to myself that I was strong enough, tough enough and smart enough to stand on my own. He wasn’t “the man” then…he was just a friend, but he knew what I needed. When he asked me on that first date about a year ago…that was NOT in the plan. I said all the things that girls do when friends ask them out. “I don’t want to ruin the friendship.” “What if it doesn’t work out.” “I don’t want things to change between us.” I got very sage advice from my bff, who said…”Just by asking, things have already changed. Do you want things to change because you were afraid to try or because you find that you’re better friend than anything else?” So…again…the plan changed.
So when he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, that was easy. I could say yes to that. THAT is my plan. But, conditionally I said, I couldn’t plan a wedding, yet. He agreed. Our answer when people have asked is that we’ll get married sometime between now and 2015. I thought I’d plan an engagement party, just to celebrate the here and now…but I can’t plan. At first, I was maybe a little scared by all of this, but I think my lack of desire to “plan” has more to do with being content. I don’t need a wedding or other big affair…I’ve done that. Maybe I can’t plan “an event” because I’m just planning “our life”. And maybe that’s ok… 
10 Mar 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love Tags: Love, vacation
2009 was a tough year for me. I lost one of my best friends , my grandpa and my uterus. (ha!) But I also fell in love. 2010 was supposed to be the year that I celebrated that…On January 9th, I lost another one of my best friends…I figured the year was lost. But it wasn’t. I just got back from the SINGLE best vacation I have ever been on. Part of that could be the fact that it was 85 degrees and sunny and I’ve been living in snow/ice world since December, but also, what’s not to love about sandy beaches, sunshine, ice cold adult beverages and 300 jewelry stores? I have a lot I want to write about, but first, I want you to enjoy a quick glimpse of how awesome my vacation was. Click Here to see the video montage I put together of our trip to St Thomas. It’s only about 5 minutes long and it’s like taking a little mini vacation…with the man and me of course. 
Enjoy!
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