Yesterday, instead of  just recognizing and acknowledging the beautiful sunrise, I turned down a seldom used road and took some photos.

It was beautiful…and the way I felt inside was even more so.

**This photo was taken as a part of Karen’s Gratitude.2012 Project.

Have you joined? It’s never too late to be thankful.

This year, it got worse.

He’s always been smart. In fact, he’s smarter than most. He has more in common with Sheldon Cooper than he does with his father or me. We figured, over time, the other students would catch up.  That eventually he’d fall into place with everyone else.That has not been the case, with grades, or with behavior. This year, we got him counseling. During all the chaos, he struggled even more with school. He became extremely depressed. Life got HARD. Shame on me for waiting for pure hell to get him help. The counseling has helped me to see that my son definitely struggles with attention more than most. It wasn’t a “phase”. It wasn’t because he was “just being a boy”. He CAN’T concentrate.

So now what?

We didn’t want to medicate him. We don’t want to change the cool kid he is. I am afraid that he’ll lose his edge, his humor and his quirkiness. His dad is afraid that he’ll be labeled, treated differently, and written off. But since we waited so long, he’s really old enough to start weighing in on these decisions. So we talked about what he heard. We talked about whether we should visit the psychiatrist, in addition to the therapist. We talked about whether he wanted to try being medicated. His answer…

“Mom, I want to try, but I don’t want it to take away my creativity.”

And so, with that, we’ll make the appointment.  We’re all afraid of what it means, but we’re in this together. We all want the same outcome.

And above all, we ALL want him to stay the amazing, smart, quirky kid he is today. We just want it to be easier to be him.

Much thanks to Karen, for making me see the beauty in everything around me.

I’ve read lots of blog posts lately about the little degrading voice we all have.  And I’ve had some very public battles with mine lately. (Telling my little voice to “Pipe down, I got this”, while on the treadmill makes people look at you like you’re nuts. Just turn up your headphones…it’s fine)  But lately, I’ve been listening to another voice. Once that tells me that I can do more. That I have something special to offer.  That my story, while ordinary to me, is a bit extraordinary. And people need to hear what I have to say. I don’t know how to do it, yet. I don’t know if I will share my story here or in a more direct setting. I do know that I *may* have discovered that thing that sets me apart.  That spirit I carry, to overcome, persevere and make a bad situation better.  I do know that there a people that need to hear it, that WANT to hear it. I know that I can help people, which is all I’ve ever wanted.

Now, how do I make this little voice louder…without people thinking I’m nuts?

I have always made resolutions. Usually, they’re about losing weight or exercising more. This year, I’m doing it differently. I’m picking things that mean something to me.
1. Run 365 miles in 2012.
2. Publish 52 photos on my blog. Once a week…based on whatever new photography trick, tip or basic that I’m learning that week.
3. Drink more green tea, eat more fish, and dark chocolate.
4. Maintain my love for Pinterest.

My 2012 is about creating my own beauty. What is your 2012?

Day 1: Self Portrait

Well, I don’t consider myself a photographer. But, I wish I was.
Since I’m getting a new camera for Christmas, there’s no time like the present to start re-training the way I think about photos.

Now, I bob and weave behind the wheel of my car when driving in these neighborhoods, because obviously a moving target is a LOT harder to hit. Also on my January to-do list is update my will…and have a somewhat uncomfortable conversation with my ex about Mike, should I die. Yay January!

Today, I sat at my desk, reading twitter working hard and I had a sudden panic attack.  I married a man 6 years older than me…I might someday have to live without him. WHAT WAS I THINKING? As my heart raced, I sent him a text declaring that I had obviously made a grave mistake and what was I thinking…and OH MY HEAVENS, PLEASE DON’T DIE.

His response: “I’m going to live forever, baby. Go about your day.”

He gets me…and for THIS I am thankful.

2011 was one of the best, yet, for my family. I married the most

amazing man, who surrounds us with love and laughter every day.

I have been blessed with beautiful, smart and loving children who

are stronger than you’d ever guess.

May 2012 be better yet, for all of us and you!

1. My ex is a good guy.

2. He’s smart

3. He loves our kids.

4. I will go to no end, to make sure my kids are safe and loved.

The woman that is now his fiance has been in jail since late July, charged in a home-invasion-gone-wrong-killing from 10 years ago. She says she was attacked and did what she had to in order to defended herself and her three kids. Recently, they’ve found “evidence” that says she may have planned this “home invasion”/ murder. I don’t know what to think about that, and without the evidence, I just try to imagine being attacked in my own home with my kids there.  I’m sure I’d do almost anything to protect them. (I’m WAY afraid of guns, so my anything and her anything are vastly different, however. )

The scary part for me, lies less in the details of that night, but more in the details of her life that have been dredged up because of this trial.

She shot this man 9 times with two guns,  3 times in the back of the head while he was laying face down on the floor. (presumably dead) YIKES.

She’s been divorced twice.  Not in and of itself wrong, because who am I to judge divorces…but each time, she’s accused her former husband of awful, awful allegations that have never come to be proven. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, attempted murder.

She’s accused her dentist of assaulting her while she was under his care.

She’s changed her name and maybe even her children’s names to hide them from their father.

MY kids know all kinds of things about her divorces, her exes, and her emotions.

She’s used her children as pawns in her divorces.

She’s blamed a lack of child support payments on subpar necessities for her children, all the while carrying expensive handbags and driving a Lexus.

She has multiple passports, under multiple names.

I don’t like to judge people. I wonder, even worry to some extent, that all her stories and allegations might be true.  If they are, she’s had a HARD life…and I’d want all the right things for her. I’d want the insanity to stop. And if she’s really been treated this poorly her entire life,  she deserves someone as gentle and supportive as my ex husband.

But, I can’t help but wonder…what if he vexes her? What horrible thing will she try to pin on him?And what if after hearing all the evidence, what if I can no longer give her the benefit of the doubt? What if I become the person in her cross hairs in trying to protect my children? And what has she already done, that my ex is not asking himself these same questions?  I care about him, as the father of my children, he  NEEDS to be safe and sane. I don’t want to take my kids away from their father.

This woman they know as their future-step-mother is important to my kids. They want her to be safe and freed.  They have heard her side from their dad. This weekend, they asked me a lot of questions, many I couldn’t or wouldn’t answer.  I just stressed to them that their dad needed our support, to be there to lift him up during this time that would be really stressful to him.  I emphasized to them that there are two sides to every story…and just as the story they’ve heard from her, via their dad, was not 100% correct, neither would the prosecutions story be 100% correct.  I explained to them that it was merely a case of he said, she said…and he was dead.  And the trial would be similar to when I walk in to break up their fights, two very different stories would be told and the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

I’m trying SO hard to be open minded. I’m trying so hard to be patient, kind and supportive of their father, because that’s been the way we’ve dealt with this divorce from day one.  I’m trying to give this woman the benefit of the doubt.  But, I’m tired…tired of being nice, tired of being patient, tired of not screaming “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?”, tired of worrying that in the future I’ll have a very scary “Now, what?” type of decision.

I’ve been sailing through these crap infested waters for months now, I just wish I had the paddle to get us all out of here safely.