Mike’s been gone for a couple of days now and with the kids sick, it’s felt like a week.  He’s traveled before. I travel for work.  The being apart thing stinks, but we are used to it. But this time it was different. This time the kids felt his absense. This time, we made decisions to not do our “typical” thing because he wasn’t here. The kids decided we should watch a movie because Mike isn’t here to watch Big Bang Theory with us. We just made a big plate of nachos to share because we couldn’t have chicken taco night without it’s inventor. 

And with that I realized, that all these worries about the wedding…meh! Who cares?!?!? Our family is strong and established already.  Mike and I, we…are already committed, forever. The kids and I are no longer a family without Mike. The three of us are incomplete without him.  What used to be my kids and I…always together….just the three of us…a complete little lopsided family…is now no longer lopsided, because of him. I’ve known him for 18 years, I know for a fact NO ONE has ever referred to Mike as the one to bring balance.  We’re lucky, this dynamic works for all of us.

And so tonight, a mere 77 wake ups before the wedding day, I know that our marriage will be strong, because it’s foundation is solid.  The land we’re building forever on is firm.  Sure there will some heaving with the changes in seasons, however, I know that should we develop cracks along the way, we’ve learned not to mask them with a little putty and paint…but to resolve the issue.  Just like drywall, we’ll take all the right steps to fix the problem. It will be a hell of a mess, but so worth it in the long run. Consequently, since our Sunday morning routine (when it’s not football season) is to watch Holmes Inspection…we know how to do it right.

I had a meeting last night with a wedding coordinator. We talked about how I envisioned the day. We talked about how little I wanted to spend. We looked at things I like and things I don’t. 
She turned my thoughts and little ideas into a vision. As we only spent an hour together, I’m starting to picture the day. It’s amazing.

I thougt wedding coordinators were silly, expensive and created over the top elaborate BRIDEZILLA type weddings. However, today I realize that wedding coordinators make dreams and little bits of ideas real…and it’s very exciting.

I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time.  **Side note:  Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently**  When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working.  Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable.  He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room.  I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag.  I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming.  I’ve almost got it, he said.  I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work.  Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm.  I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom.  I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office.  I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed.  He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around.  He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him.  Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind.  I said, “Of course I will.”  It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget. 

This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t.  After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”.  I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?”  He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him.  With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.”  And ask he did. 

Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas.  “I’d love that”, I said.

Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.

Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.

Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.

Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony.  We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far.  The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight.  It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.”  and the only answer I had for him was…yes.

So when Mike and I were first dating, I made some stupid off-hand comment about never getting married again.  And for just a split second, a look of hurt flashed across his face.  I never said those words out loud again…although, there was still a part of me that thought that.  Then months later, we were arguing about something small, and we both recognized early on that it was me…carrying my baggage of my past relationship.  He said to me, “I’m not him…let me make my own mistakes.”  And it hit me, like a ton of bricks.  Just because I’d failed once, didn’t mean I was destined to fail again.  In fact, I was now armed with experience and knowledge of what can happen.”  And so I let him be him…and he failed and I failed, but we did it together.  And when we fail, we talk about it.  And when we hurt one another, we talk about it.  And when we are feeling lonely or needy, we tell one another.  I learned to be vulnerable with him.  That if I tell him my feelings, he will listen and he will HEAR me.  I learned that a relationship is never cemented, it’s one day at a time.  Every day a blessing, every day a battle, every day important.  So Mike and I, we talk, every day.  We talk about little things, we talk about big things.  We share our frustrations of work.  We share our successes at work or fitness or parenting.  He and I, we’re a team…every day.

So when he asked if I would spend the rest of my life with him, the only answer I could have possibly given was yes.  (Well, actually I said, sure…which led him to ask me about 6 more times over the next 4 days until he heard the answer he truly wanted, but that’s a story for another day.) Because, together we will build a marriage, one brick, one talk, one kiss, one day at a time.  Never forgetting that to say I do, is to say I will, each day for the rest of my life.

Anxiously Engaged,

Angi

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WOW!  I am still letting that set in.  But, now that there is a prospective date, I’m VERY excited.  This time around, the details of the wedding seem like more chores and annoyances, because I am not focused on the day.  I’m focused on forever.  It’s a good thing. One thing that is a huge annoyance is finding  THE dress.  You see, I found it….on the interwebz.  It looks like this.

What I can’t find is WHERE I can try on and hopefully buy that dress.  I am giving it my all, though.  I will travel far and wide to find that dress.  I will make phone calls to bridal shops up to 300 miles away to see if they have it in their stores.  I have tried on several other dresses but they just aren’t that one.   I have enlisted the help of my very best friend to FIND. THIS. DRESS. 

Woe will be me, if I find it and I hate the way it looks on me…..

Relentlessly Searching,

Angi