30 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Grief, Stress Tags: relationships, Sandi
This week has been a tough one. I have found myself mentally blogging stories in my head to try to rid myself of the suffocating emotions that have wrapped themselves around me so tightly, that it’s tough to breathe. But when I sit to write these posts for real, I can only get so far before the blanket gets tighter and its too hard to go on. These posts are saved in my drafts. They are important to write. I need to work through these things so that I can try to shed myself of this heavy quilt once and for all. I may not be able to do this today or tomorrow or even next week, but I will. I will.
When I’m ready
27 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Stress Tags: relationships, Stress
Tut, tut…it looks like rain.
I don’t know what it is, but the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. People ask me what’s wrong, why I’m crabby or upset and I try to tell them. But putting it in words, just makes me feel selfish and petty. Little things bug me lately. I can’t seem to not sweat the small stuff. I read the comments and the quotes about choosing happiness…and I do in small increments of time, but right now…it’s so hard.
I was mowing my lawn last week…and with all that “alone time”, all I could do was, literally, seethe about all the things currently irritating me (one being the fact that I was mowing the lawn.) Suddenly, I became aware that my whole thought process was about how angry I was…about stupid little things. I looked up in the sky and directly above me was a dark black cloud that was churning and moving. My first thought was…rain. And then I noticed that nowhere else in the sky were there even clouds. That this little black rain cloud had developed right over my yard, me….and my very negative thoughts. It was a haunting awareness of my thoughts and my state of mind. I worked hard for the remainder of time that I was mowing to think of other happier things…and the little black rain cloud slowly broke itself up, without ever truly raining.
I’ve tried in recent days to remove myself from this place. I have a lot of people that are relying on me heavily right now…and that prevents me from being able to really address what I need to with me. More notably, I’m aware that there are people that want to help, but my inability to feel secure about what’s really bugging me prevents me from asking or allowing for help. I’m hopeful that as the stresses of this week draw to a close, I’ll be allowed a little time for me…to work on me, to build me up again…to really hear what is bugging me, so I can work it out and move beyond this.
I really don’t like to think of myself as sad, depressed or unhappy. In general, I’m not. But every once in awhile, a little black rain cloud parks itself, beligerantly, over my head. Somedays, it’s all I can do to look up at that little cloud and pray for it not to rain down on me.
Weathering the Storm,
Angi
04 May 2010
by Worth Itin Girl Talk, Stress Tags: cursing, girl parts
My very first trip to the gynecologist was a nightmare. I was fifteen, young by some standards, but my girl problems started early. My doctor entered the room, announced that he had a student with him. (I was young, and didn’t realize that I could request the student not be there. ) Then he brought in the nurse, who was a female, so that he could touch me without legal accusations making me feel uncomfortable. Just as he’s getting ready to insert the speculum duckbills, he realizes he has no KY jelly. He ungloves to look for a new tube, finding none, he sends the nurse to find one. At this point, the doctor, the resident and I all stare awkwardly at my feet dressed in little socks with pink, fuzzy balls on the back resting in the stirrups. Waiting…
At the nurse’s return with the LARGEST tube of KY Jelly I’ve EVER seen, they all proceed to “glove up” again. As doc gets the lid off he realizes that there is still the foil safety seal on top…all three of them tried once with their gloves on to get the foil seal off the top. Not one of them succeeded…so they handed it to me…the wide-eyed, sixteen year old girl in stirrups for the FIRST. TIME. EVER. to remove the foil seal. I did and handed it back to my doctor.
The remainder of the appoinment after that was a blur. What’s not a blur, is walking out to my mom in the waiting room and upon her asking if everything went ok, I simply replied. “It was a fucking THREE RING CIRCUS.”
And that was the first time I ever cursed at my mother…that I can remember…
Because saying shit in a Mc Donald’s at age three doesn’t count.
And if it does count, then it was HER fault…so then it doesn’t count again.
But that’s a story for another day.
29 Apr 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love, Stress Tags: Our Mike, parenting, work
We like our bike
It’s made for three
Our Mike sits up in back you see
We like our Mike
and this is why
Mike does all the work when the hill gets high….*
It’s been a tough couple of weeks around our house. It’s baseball, tae kwon do, AND dance recital time. We’ve had tae kwon do three nights a week, baseball practice and baseball games. We had pictures for dance. Usually, this is a lot of work, but not a problem because I can manage work/life balance pretty well. This year, however, I had my company’s largest customer meeting, in New Orleans, during this time. I had presentations to create, presentations to review and all the prep work for being away from the office for three days.
Despite all these extra things, this year,has been better….better because we have our Mike. And when the hills of responsibility and duty have gotten high, he’s pushed us all up them.
Thank you, Mike. We all appreciate who you are and what you’ve done for us.
We love you.
*From Dr Seuss’s One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
13 Apr 2010
by Worth Itin Love, Stress Tags: Love, relationships
We are shaped by the relationships with friends and lovers of our past. There’s no doubt about that. I am a better person because of almost every relationship I’ve been in. But with every broken heart and lost commitment comes baggage. Baggage makes us react inappropriately. Baggage makes us reach for blame. Baggage makes us act like victims instead of making things happen for us. Most days, I recognize my baggage and manage my way through it, logically. But on those spectacular days, when my baggage partners with my somewhat shaky self-esteem, I seem to fall apart. I’m no longer logical. I’m an emotional wreck. I can’t talk about it, OR EVEN WRITE ABOUT IT, because my logical mind can’t resolve the emotional issues. (Of note, it’s taken me three days to write this post so far.)
But I have spent the last three days thinking about it. And baggage, while a heavy troublesome load some days, also allows us to carry the courage to resolve little things before they become the big things that hurt in the past. We have places to house the lessons we’ve learned. Baggage holds dear the secrets that we’ve kept to ourselves but somehow when we let those secrets out of the bag, we grow. We’re stronger in our own right. We’re stronger in our relationships. In the end, our load is lighter, because someone is eventually willing to help us carry our baggage.
With a fuller heart and a lesser burden,
Angi
18 Feb 2010
by Worth Itin Stress Tags: Stress, work
This week I was out of town, away from my family, to attend business meetings for work. Each meeting was more sad and depressing than the last. We’re making no money, we’re laying people off, we’re broken and don’t know how to fix it. So I sat in room full of 31 men and me for two days…eating, just to get by. I wanted to feel motivated to come back and turn the ship around. I wanted to be fired up that we were going to find a way through this. I wanted my leader to tell me, we are going to power through this and find ourselves better for it on the back side. That didn’t happen.
Next month, I have a similar type meeting with my employees. I will make a mental note now, that they will leave the meeting energized, fired up and ready to make something happen. Middle management sucks, but that doesn’t mean I can’t light my own fire and hope that we can fan the flames enough to turn morale around.
Because, I’m good enough.
I’m smart enough.
And doggone it, people like me.
Furiously fire starting,
Stewart Smalley (Angi)
12 Feb 2010
by Worth Itin Stress Tags: hysterectomy, sex, Stress
The week after Christmas I had a total hysterectomy, it was laparoscopic, so my recovery was quick. Except that my best friend died 12 days after my surgery. Not wanting to be alone with myself meant I was doing way too much, way too soon. I went back to work, part time, to distract myself. After my first days back, my boss asked the impossible, start thinking about putting together a plan to reduce staff, if needed. No specifics, just do it. With all these stressors, I needed to relieve stress. My two favorite ways to relieve stress are sex and working out. Since I was still on a restriction from sex, I ran. Which tore my internal stitches, caused bleeding and set back my recovery a ways. This is the long way for me to say that on Monday I was finally released from six weeks of pure hell (pelvic rest) and now I am once again relieving stress, the RIGHT way…SEX. Daily. Cuz, that’s how I roll.
How do you alleviate stress?
Bow-legged, but blithe,
Angi
RSS
Twitter
