Yesterday, instead of  just recognizing and acknowledging the beautiful sunrise, I turned down a seldom used road and took some photos.

It was beautiful…and the way I felt inside was even more so.

**This photo was taken as a part of Karen’s Gratitude.2012 Project.

Have you joined? It’s never too late to be thankful.

I’m finding that my unhappiness stems from the commotion and agitation of some of the other people around me. My ex-husband and his fiance battling first degree murder charges in court and the effect on my kids and I. The change wave at work, that while overall positive, is causing many around me to feel uncomfortable, threatened even.  But these things….they’re not mine to own.  This is not my commotion or unrest.  Finding a way to ensure that my heart and mind stay serene and calm while paddling through other people’s storms…that’s the challenge.

So for my next 12 months, I’ll be thinking, living, breathing, tranquility.  My house will be a tranquil reserve for my children to forget about the drama in their father’s life. My office will be a quiet reserve for others to come, work through the changes, find the beauty in making more of a historic company. I will work to make my mind calm, collected in my thoughts, and un-panicked by those around me. And my heart will remain still with the knowledge that I’ve found someone who walks through life with me, holding my hand, encouraging me to be more, while assuring me that I am and always will be enough.

I had a meeting last night with a wedding coordinator. We talked about how I envisioned the day. We talked about how little I wanted to spend. We looked at things I like and things I don’t. 
She turned my thoughts and little ideas into a vision. As we only spent an hour together, I’m starting to picture the day. It’s amazing.

I thougt wedding coordinators were silly, expensive and created over the top elaborate BRIDEZILLA type weddings. However, today I realize that wedding coordinators make dreams and little bits of ideas real…and it’s very exciting.

Some days, that bar I set seems so far out of my reach.  I lose my temper.  I yell when I should just walk away.  I don’t leave us enough time and get all panicky and shouty when we’re running late.  I CAN’T. STAND. THEIR. FIGHTING…and so I send them to their rooms for alone time, or make them sit on the couch and hold hands until I’m no longer frustrated.  I forget things…lunches, bookfair  money, early school dismissals, you know the drill.  My biggest regret in my children’s life is that they will, for the rest of their lives, have two homes.  In the days when my divorce was imminent, I don’t think that in my mind, I could even see the bar from where I was. But I made sure that I found a place that would be home for them.  They each had their own room with their name over the door.  There would be no mistake that they belonged and that it was home.  It seems that it never gets easier, sharing custody of them.  I never want to see them go.  I call them every night they’re with their father.  I regret not being able to read to them before bed (yes, even at 11 and 7 we still do that) tuck them in those nights and kiss my daughter’s head or ruffly my son’s hair.  I am sad because I know that their father does not do these things with them. 

What I have learned is that in this quest for the perfect mother award, I have tripped and fallen on my face more than I care to admit.  I regret that I have to share my time with them and them with me.  I have to be careful not to let these small moments keep me down.    Because, what I do know is this…

I am the best mother for them that I know how to be.

I love them unconditionally.

Children need both a mother and a father…and while he may not nurture them like I do…I sure as hell am not going to pick up a snake and teach them all that I can about it.

No matter how much I want it, I will never be perfect;  no one is.  But I do know that I am the perfect mother for my children.

I may never win Mother of the Year accolades, but when my children look back on their childhood, they will remember me.  Always by their side. Cheering them on. Teaching them right from wrong.  Holding their hands.  Treating their wounds. Laughing with them.  Loving them wholly for who they are.  For that, I will gladly accept an Honorable Mention.

I don’t know what it is, but the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me.  People ask me what’s wrong, why I’m crabby or upset and I try to tell them.  But putting it in words, just makes me feel selfish and petty.  Little things bug me lately.  I can’t seem to not sweat the small stuff.  I read the comments and the quotes about choosing happiness…and I do in small increments of time, but right now…it’s so hard. 

I was mowing my lawn last week…and with all that “alone time”, all I could do was, literally, seethe about all the things currently irritating me (one being the fact that I was mowing the lawn.)  Suddenly, I became aware that my whole thought process was about how angry I was…about stupid little things.  I looked up in the sky and directly above me was a dark black cloud that was churning and moving.  My first thought was…rain.  And then I noticed that nowhere else in the sky were there even clouds.  That this little black rain cloud had developed right over my yard, me….and my very negative thoughts.  It was a haunting awareness of my thoughts and my state of  mind. I worked hard for the remainder of time that I was mowing to think of other happier things…and the little black rain cloud slowly broke itself up, without ever truly raining.

 I’ve tried in recent days to remove myself from this place.  I have a lot of people that are relying on me heavily right now…and that prevents me from being able to really address what I need to with me.  More notably, I’m aware that there are people that want to help, but my inability to feel secure about what’s really bugging me prevents me from asking or allowing for help.  I’m hopeful that as the stresses of this week draw to a close, I’ll be allowed a little time for me…to work on me, to build me up again…to really hear what is bugging me, so I can work it out and move beyond this. 

I really don’t like to think of myself as sad, depressed or unhappy.  In general, I’m not.  But every once in awhile, a little black rain cloud parks itself, beligerantly, over my head.  Somedays, it’s all I can do to look up at that little cloud and pray for it not to rain down on me.

Weathering the Storm,

Angi

I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time.  **Side note:  Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently**  When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working.  Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable.  He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room.  I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag.  I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming.  I’ve almost got it, he said.  I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work.  Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm.  I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom.  I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office.  I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed.  He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around.  He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him.  Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind.  I said, “Of course I will.”  It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget. 

This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t.  After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”.  I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?”  He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him.  With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.”  And ask he did. 

Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas.  “I’d love that”, I said.

Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.

Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.

Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.

Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony.  We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far.  The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight.  It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.”  and the only answer I had for him was…yes.

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WOW!  I am still letting that set in.  But, now that there is a prospective date, I’m VERY excited.  This time around, the details of the wedding seem like more chores and annoyances, because I am not focused on the day.  I’m focused on forever.  It’s a good thing. One thing that is a huge annoyance is finding  THE dress.  You see, I found it….on the interwebz.  It looks like this.

What I can’t find is WHERE I can try on and hopefully buy that dress.  I am giving it my all, though.  I will travel far and wide to find that dress.  I will make phone calls to bridal shops up to 300 miles away to see if they have it in their stores.  I have tried on several other dresses but they just aren’t that one.   I have enlisted the help of my very best friend to FIND. THIS. DRESS. 

Woe will be me, if I find it and I hate the way it looks on me…..

Relentlessly Searching,

Angi

Tomorrow, after going to the Goo Goo Dolls concert outdoors tonight.   I go to do a pre-session physical capability test.  Run a mile, do sit ups for one minute, do push ups for one minute, weigh in, take measurements, etc. (Clearly beer consumption will be limited, at best.)

THEN, after that, I am going to attempt to learn how to golf via instruction from my boyfriend and his buddy.  I do NOT do well with being taught to do anything.  CRAP!  But, I HAVE to learn because my company golf outing is in two weeks and I have to take the place of my best friend. I have learned how to make bomb pop shots and will make breakfast burritos, so, although they are big shoes to fill….all that’s left is the “learning how to golf thing”. I’m really counting on getting those around me drunk enough that I don’t have to worry about it.

Why do I do this stuff to myself???

Masochistic Kisses,

Angi