12 Aug 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Love, parenting
Since the day my oldest was born, I’ve been on the quest for the holy grail to earn the title of BEST MOM. EVER! We all do, to some extent. I, myself, am not competing with you specifically. I merely have an image of what a mom is supposed to be for her children, and I dream big. I have set a bar so high, that no one could rightfully reach it all the time. But I began striving immediately….Of course I would breastfeed. I made baby food from scratch for both of my babies. I didn’t put my career on hold, but it certainly played second fiddle. I read to them every night. I taught them to listen and appreciate music. I make elaborate birthday cakes or creative parties. I have sewn them , because we couldn’t find ones that they really wanted. I have searched high and low to create perfect made from scratch Halloween costumes. We eat dinner together, and usually it’s healthy food…but sometimes we just eat cereal for dinner. I laugh with them, play with them and most importantly discipline them so that they can grow up to be good human beings. Despite work requiring much of my time, I make commitments to my kids, in writing, that I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that the fact that their mother works they will not hinder them from being kids or participating in things. Sometimes that gets me in trouble at work, but to me, it’s worth it. I go on field trips with their schools, I meet them for lunch…because some day they won’t want me to. I watch my daughter in her dance class, when the studio allows. I’m sure I have other errands I should be running, but it means so much to both of us when I can be there. I support my son completely in his quest for his black belt. So much so that I trained with him to keep him pushing for bigger and better. It’s almost fun to do push-ups, sit ups or run…when you’re doing it to help your son become more than he is today. I sit at the table and do their homework with them, or review it when their done. I am present…even when it’s hard to be.
Some days, that bar I set seems so far out of my reach. I lose my temper. I yell when I should just walk away. I don’t leave us enough time and get all panicky and shouty when we’re running late. I CAN’T. STAND. THEIR. FIGHTING…and so I send them to their rooms for alone time, or make them sit on the couch and hold hands until I’m no longer frustrated. I forget things…lunches, bookfair money, early school dismissals, you know the drill. My biggest regret in my children’s life is that they will, for the rest of their lives, have two homes. In the days when my divorce was imminent, I don’t think that in my mind, I could even see the bar from where I was. But I made sure that I found a place that would be home for them. They each had their own room with their name over the door. There would be no mistake that they belonged and that it was home. It seems that it never gets easier, sharing custody of them. I never want to see them go. I call them every night they’re with their father. I regret not being able to read to them before bed (yes, even at 11 and 7 we still do that) tuck them in those nights and kiss my daughter’s head or ruffly my son’s hair. I am sad because I know that their father does not do these things with them.
What I have learned is that in this quest for the perfect mother award, I have tripped and fallen on my face more than I care to admit. I regret that I have to share my time with them and them with me. I have to be careful not to let these small moments keep me down. Because, what I do know is this…
I am the best mother for them that I know how to be.
I love them unconditionally.
Children need both a mother and a father…and while he may not nurture them like I do…I sure as hell am not going to pick up a snake and teach them all that I can about it.
No matter how much I want it, I will never be perfect; no one is. But I do know that I am the perfect mother for my children.
I may never win Mother of the Year accolades, but when my children look back on their childhood, they will remember me. Always by their side. Cheering them on. Teaching them right from wrong. Holding their hands. Treating their wounds. Laughing with them. Loving them wholly for who they are. For that, I will gladly accept an Honorable Mention.
07 Aug 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Dreams, parenting
Today, my son tests for his black belt. I have been shuttling him from class to class, for 3 years and 3 months. It’s been a constant in our lives, three nights a week…even when school’s in session, when he choses to play baseball, or family functions are going on for everyone else.
I went with him for his first round of testing. Ran his two mile test with him in solidarity that I supported all of his hard work and effort so far. Today I will go and worry as he spars until he can physically move no more. I will pray as he is asked to demonstrate on command any of his demanding Tae Kwon Do forms. I will hide my eyes as he is called to break a brick. And I will stand proud with him at the end. I know he will do his best. I know he will focus on the end result. I know that he will perform with honesty, modesty, integrity and respect. And I know that he has built within him an indomitable spirit that will do anything he sets his mind to.
Over these last three years, he has learned to be dedicated to his training. He has done things that most 11 year old boys don’t consider. He has conditioned his mind and his body. I could not be more proud of him today as he goes through this 3 hour intense test, because I know that at the end of the day. He will have EARNED his first black belt.
27 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Stress Tags: relationships, Stress
Tut, tut…it looks like rain.
I don’t know what it is, but the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. People ask me what’s wrong, why I’m crabby or upset and I try to tell them. But putting it in words, just makes me feel selfish and petty. Little things bug me lately. I can’t seem to not sweat the small stuff. I read the comments and the quotes about choosing happiness…and I do in small increments of time, but right now…it’s so hard.
I was mowing my lawn last week…and with all that “alone time”, all I could do was, literally, seethe about all the things currently irritating me (one being the fact that I was mowing the lawn.) Suddenly, I became aware that my whole thought process was about how angry I was…about stupid little things. I looked up in the sky and directly above me was a dark black cloud that was churning and moving. My first thought was…rain. And then I noticed that nowhere else in the sky were there even clouds. That this little black rain cloud had developed right over my yard, me….and my very negative thoughts. It was a haunting awareness of my thoughts and my state of mind. I worked hard for the remainder of time that I was mowing to think of other happier things…and the little black rain cloud slowly broke itself up, without ever truly raining.
I’ve tried in recent days to remove myself from this place. I have a lot of people that are relying on me heavily right now…and that prevents me from being able to really address what I need to with me. More notably, I’m aware that there are people that want to help, but my inability to feel secure about what’s really bugging me prevents me from asking or allowing for help. I’m hopeful that as the stresses of this week draw to a close, I’ll be allowed a little time for me…to work on me, to build me up again…to really hear what is bugging me, so I can work it out and move beyond this.
I really don’t like to think of myself as sad, depressed or unhappy. In general, I’m not. But every once in awhile, a little black rain cloud parks itself, beligerantly, over my head. Somedays, it’s all I can do to look up at that little cloud and pray for it not to rain down on me.
Weathering the Storm,
Angi
09 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships, vacation, Wedding
I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time. **Side note: Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently** When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working. Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable. He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room. I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag. I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming. I’ve almost got it, he said. I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work. Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm. I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom. I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office. I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed. He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around. He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him. Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, “Of course I will.” It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget.
This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t. After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”. I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?” He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him. With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.” And ask he did.
Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas. “I’d love that”, I said.
Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.
Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.
Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.
Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony. We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far. The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight. It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.” and the only answer I had for him was…yes.
10 Jun 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Wedding Tags: Dress Quest 2010, Wedding
So…I’m getting married.
…
…
…
WOW! I am still letting that set in. But, now that there is a prospective date, I’m VERY excited. This time around, the details of the wedding seem like more chores and annoyances, because I am not focused on the day. I’m focused on forever. It’s a good thing. One thing that is a huge annoyance is finding THE dress. You see, I found it….on the interwebz. It looks like this.
What I can’t find is WHERE I can try on and hopefully buy that dress. I am giving it my all, though. I will travel far and wide to find that dress. I will make phone calls to bridal shops up to 300 miles away to see if they have it in their stores. I have tried on several other dresses but they just aren’t that one. I have enlisted the help of my very best friend to FIND. THIS. DRESS.
Woe will be me, if I find it and I hate the way it looks on me…..
Relentlessly Searching,
Angi
26 May 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Music Tags: live music, Sandi
In Loving Memory of Sandi
21 May 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Hobbies, Love Tags: Our Mike, Sandi, working out
Tonight I go in to take my first ever “BEFORE” photo. I will be in a swimsuit. FOR. A. PHOTO. Uh….CRAP! I don’t like pictures of myself in a swimsuit when I’m at a reasonable weight. I am NOT, currently, at a reasonable weight for me. But, I think the way to take this seriously and understand the life changes I have to make, I NEED to do this. So today, I take a picture.
Tomorrow, after going to the Goo Goo Dolls concert outdoors tonight. I go to do a pre-session physical capability test. Run a mile, do sit ups for one minute, do push ups for one minute, weigh in, take measurements, etc. (Clearly beer consumption will be limited, at best.)
THEN, after that, I am going to attempt to learn how to golf via instruction from my boyfriend and his buddy. I do NOT do well with being taught to do anything. CRAP! But, I HAVE to learn because my company golf outing is in two weeks and I have to take the place of my best friend. I have learned how to make bomb pop shots and will make breakfast burritos, so, although they are big shoes to fill….all that’s left is the “learning how to golf thing”. I’m really counting on getting those around me drunk enough that I don’t have to worry about it.
Why do I do this stuff to myself???
Masochistic Kisses,
Angi
13 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Five for Ten, Love, Our Mike, parenting, working out
Having a partner that wakes you up for a 5:00 AM kickboxing class…because he knows that you will both have fun doing it together…and getting up and giving it your all, because you DO enjoy working out together.
Getting a Mother’s Day card from your daughter that simply states…”You make me smile”…and telling her that the sight of her face and the sound of her voice do the same thing for you everyday.
Flowers brought home and put in a vase, for no reason…and stopping to smell them, each time you pass by.
When your son is in a snuggling mood all day….even when he’s 11…and not letting the length of your to-do list push him away.
Coming home from the longest day ever, to find that the dishwasher has been emptied and reloaded…and thanking your family for helping to carry the load.
Being greeted at the door by your pets when you get home…they missed you so much while you were gone…and taking a moment to pet each one.
The smile from your kids when you show up somewhere they don’t expect you…and realizing that merely the sight of you brightened their day.
Being wrapped up in your lover’s arms… and taking the time to hug back.
Seeing your kids play together…without fighting…and stopping for a moment to enjoy the show.
When your best friend sends you a note, just to say she’s thinking of you…and taking the time to tell her you’re lucky to have her in your life.
Every day, something happens that allows for happiness. Choosing to acknowledge it, feel it and let it consume you is the difference between being happy and pursuing happy. It’s the everyday small things, that if we take the time to recognize how they make us feel, will keep us fulfilled and happy.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
29 Apr 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love, Stress Tags: Our Mike, parenting, work
We like our bike
It’s made for three
Our Mike sits up in back you see
We like our Mike
and this is why
Mike does all the work when the hill gets high….*
It’s been a tough couple of weeks around our house. It’s baseball, tae kwon do, AND dance recital time. We’ve had tae kwon do three nights a week, baseball practice and baseball games. We had pictures for dance. Usually, this is a lot of work, but not a problem because I can manage work/life balance pretty well. This year, however, I had my company’s largest customer meeting, in New Orleans, during this time. I had presentations to create, presentations to review and all the prep work for being away from the office for three days.
Despite all these extra things, this year,has been better….better because we have our Mike. And when the hills of responsibility and duty have gotten high, he’s pushed us all up them.
Thank you, Mike. We all appreciate who you are and what you’ve done for us.
We love you.
*From Dr Seuss’s One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
30 Mar 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Hobbies Tags: Stress, working out
Just a year ago, I was a gym rat. Then life some how got in the way. I don’t know what happened, exactly. First my spinning class was canceled. Then summer hit. Then work took more time in the day than there was hours. Then surgery. Then my friend died. All along I’ve been working out, but that’s so different than being a gym rat. And I really WANT to be a gym rat again. I just don’t remember how to get there. I don’t remember how to LOVE it. And all of those things that slowed me down, still exist. I’m stuck. I had planned on spending some of my hard earned bonus and tax return on something that would inspire a commitment out of me. A constant commitment. I want to do more than just run on the treadmill or put in an hour on the stairclimber. I want to do more than the 30 day shred. I know it’s awesome. I know the results are good, but I want MORE. I want more, theoretically. I want to WANT to go to the gym. I want to WANT to meet a trainer. I went on Sunday, and it was a rush. I worked out yesterday at home, despite not really having time. I will go to the gym today and try to find a way to go tomorrow. Day by day and week by week…I will become a gym rat again.
Re-building a habit,
Angi
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