12 Aug 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Love, parenting
Since the day my oldest was born, I’ve been on the quest for the holy grail to earn the title of BEST MOM. EVER! We all do, to some extent. I, myself, am not competing with you specifically. I merely have an image of what a mom is supposed to be for her children, and I dream big. I have set a bar so high, that no one could rightfully reach it all the time. But I began striving immediately….Of course I would breastfeed. I made baby food from scratch for both of my babies. I didn’t put my career on hold, but it certainly played second fiddle. I read to them every night. I taught them to listen and appreciate music. I make elaborate birthday cakes or creative parties. I have sewn them , because we couldn’t find ones that they really wanted. I have searched high and low to create perfect made from scratch Halloween costumes. We eat dinner together, and usually it’s healthy food…but sometimes we just eat cereal for dinner. I laugh with them, play with them and most importantly discipline them so that they can grow up to be good human beings. Despite work requiring much of my time, I make commitments to my kids, in writing, that I will do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that the fact that their mother works they will not hinder them from being kids or participating in things. Sometimes that gets me in trouble at work, but to me, it’s worth it. I go on field trips with their schools, I meet them for lunch…because some day they won’t want me to. I watch my daughter in her dance class, when the studio allows. I’m sure I have other errands I should be running, but it means so much to both of us when I can be there. I support my son completely in his quest for his black belt. So much so that I trained with him to keep him pushing for bigger and better. It’s almost fun to do push-ups, sit ups or run…when you’re doing it to help your son become more than he is today. I sit at the table and do their homework with them, or review it when their done. I am present…even when it’s hard to be.
Some days, that bar I set seems so far out of my reach. I lose my temper. I yell when I should just walk away. I don’t leave us enough time and get all panicky and shouty when we’re running late. I CAN’T. STAND. THEIR. FIGHTING…and so I send them to their rooms for alone time, or make them sit on the couch and hold hands until I’m no longer frustrated. I forget things…lunches, bookfair money, early school dismissals, you know the drill. My biggest regret in my children’s life is that they will, for the rest of their lives, have two homes. In the days when my divorce was imminent, I don’t think that in my mind, I could even see the bar from where I was. But I made sure that I found a place that would be home for them. They each had their own room with their name over the door. There would be no mistake that they belonged and that it was home. It seems that it never gets easier, sharing custody of them. I never want to see them go. I call them every night they’re with their father. I regret not being able to read to them before bed (yes, even at 11 and 7 we still do that) tuck them in those nights and kiss my daughter’s head or ruffly my son’s hair. I am sad because I know that their father does not do these things with them.
What I have learned is that in this quest for the perfect mother award, I have tripped and fallen on my face more than I care to admit. I regret that I have to share my time with them and them with me. I have to be careful not to let these small moments keep me down. Because, what I do know is this…
I am the best mother for them that I know how to be.
I love them unconditionally.
Children need both a mother and a father…and while he may not nurture them like I do…I sure as hell am not going to pick up a snake and teach them all that I can about it.
No matter how much I want it, I will never be perfect; no one is. But I do know that I am the perfect mother for my children.
I may never win Mother of the Year accolades, but when my children look back on their childhood, they will remember me. Always by their side. Cheering them on. Teaching them right from wrong. Holding their hands. Treating their wounds. Laughing with them. Loving them wholly for who they are. For that, I will gladly accept an Honorable Mention.
07 Aug 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Dreams, parenting
Today, my son tests for his black belt. I have been shuttling him from class to class, for 3 years and 3 months. It’s been a constant in our lives, three nights a week…even when school’s in session, when he choses to play baseball, or family functions are going on for everyone else.
I went with him for his first round of testing. Ran his two mile test with him in solidarity that I supported all of his hard work and effort so far. Today I will go and worry as he spars until he can physically move no more. I will pray as he is asked to demonstrate on command any of his demanding Tae Kwon Do forms. I will hide my eyes as he is called to break a brick. And I will stand proud with him at the end. I know he will do his best. I know he will focus on the end result. I know that he will perform with honesty, modesty, integrity and respect. And I know that he has built within him an indomitable spirit that will do anything he sets his mind to.
Over these last three years, he has learned to be dedicated to his training. He has done things that most 11 year old boys don’t consider. He has conditioned his mind and his body. I could not be more proud of him today as he goes through this 3 hour intense test, because I know that at the end of the day. He will have EARNED his first black belt.
13 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Five for Ten, Love, Our Mike, parenting, working out
Having a partner that wakes you up for a 5:00 AM kickboxing class…because he knows that you will both have fun doing it together…and getting up and giving it your all, because you DO enjoy working out together.
Getting a Mother’s Day card from your daughter that simply states…”You make me smile”…and telling her that the sight of her face and the sound of her voice do the same thing for you everyday.
Flowers brought home and put in a vase, for no reason…and stopping to smell them, each time you pass by.
When your son is in a snuggling mood all day….even when he’s 11…and not letting the length of your to-do list push him away.
Coming home from the longest day ever, to find that the dishwasher has been emptied and reloaded…and thanking your family for helping to carry the load.
Being greeted at the door by your pets when you get home…they missed you so much while you were gone…and taking a moment to pet each one.
The smile from your kids when you show up somewhere they don’t expect you…and realizing that merely the sight of you brightened their day.
Being wrapped up in your lover’s arms… and taking the time to hug back.
Seeing your kids play together…without fighting…and stopping for a moment to enjoy the show.
When your best friend sends you a note, just to say she’s thinking of you…and taking the time to tell her you’re lucky to have her in your life.
Every day, something happens that allows for happiness. Choosing to acknowledge it, feel it and let it consume you is the difference between being happy and pursuing happy. It’s the everyday small things, that if we take the time to recognize how they make us feel, will keep us fulfilled and happy.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
10 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Love Tags: Five for Ten
My ex husband wasn’t abusive. He wasn’t unfaithful. And he didn’t steal or drive us into insurmountable debt. But he wasn’t present….ever. When we first got married, he said he worked all the time so that when we had kids he’d be comfortable in his career path. Then after my son was born, he had a very important job, that mandated overnight work and often resulted in “emergent” situations. Plus, I had it handled. Then we moved, so that he could take a new job, one that wouldn’t require him to be at the office so many hours. Only that didn’t work out, because he started traveling and playing multiple intramural sports. Then we moved back “home”, so that I could get some help with the kids and he could try again to find a job that didn’t require endless hours at the office. I moved with the kids alone, for three months, then the job he took required that he travel….100%. He came home every other weekend to catch up on sleep and do his laundry. I raised the kids, worked full time and got my master’s degree all while he lived in Indianapolis or Houston or Minneapolis.
All along I made it work. I made my own family wherever we lived. I had dinner with my friends multiple times per week. I’d cook just so they’d come over and hang out with us. I found family for us wherever we went. My daughter grew up for the first 4 years of her live with her father living somewhere else and just visiting. It was a constant struggle. But surviving that was not the courageous part. Deciding to leave, deciding that my kids and I both deserved better was the courageous part.
I fretted over the relationship not working. I hated myself for wanting to leave a man who wasn’t abusive or evil in some way. But I hated being ignored, insignificant and alone. When he was out of town, he didn’t call or email. He’d call every couple of days at nearly midnight and try to talk. (I’m a morning person…and not 12 am morning…so THIS was not working) I felt unimportant. I felt like I served purposes for him that were merely secretarial in nature. We tried to understand each other. We tried talking about how I felt unhappy and alone. He couldn’t understand that. His answer was that he was working for all of us to have a roof over our head, etc. I tried to explain that I’d live with a smaller roof and less stuff, if it meant I had a partner. We talked at each other a lot. We didn’t communicated…we didn’t, either one of us, feel loved or respected. And so, we separated…and two years later, we divorced.
It was the hardest and best decision I’ve ever had the courage to make. My kids now spend 50% of their time with their father. He doesn’t travel except on the days that I have the kids. He’s made some very significant life changes so that he is available to them. I can’t say that there isn’t something there that doesn’t hurt. That it took me saying enough, for him to finally make the needed changes, stings. But my kids get to grow up with their dad, and for that I am eternally grateful.
And I, finally have a partner. Someone who shares the load with me. Who loves me unconditionally. Who looks forward to coming home and talking with me every night. I have someone who wants to provide emotional, physical, social AND economic support. And if that means we don’t have the HUGEST house or the most toys….we’re okay with that, because we have love and support.
There are many who think that divorce is a result of being weak or cowardice; even once, that might have been me. And it’s not what I consider ideal. I wish that my kids’ Dad and I had made a better team, but I can tell you without a doubt that both he and I are happier. That my kids are loved beyond their wildest imagination. And that the courage I had to admit defeat, gave them their father and gave me the chance to know real love.
Join me and the others at Momalom for Five for Ten.
29 Apr 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love, Stress Tags: Our Mike, parenting, work
We like our bike
It’s made for three
Our Mike sits up in back you see
We like our Mike
and this is why
Mike does all the work when the hill gets high….*
It’s been a tough couple of weeks around our house. It’s baseball, tae kwon do, AND dance recital time. We’ve had tae kwon do three nights a week, baseball practice and baseball games. We had pictures for dance. Usually, this is a lot of work, but not a problem because I can manage work/life balance pretty well. This year, however, I had my company’s largest customer meeting, in New Orleans, during this time. I had presentations to create, presentations to review and all the prep work for being away from the office for three days.
Despite all these extra things, this year,has been better….better because we have our Mike. And when the hills of responsibility and duty have gotten high, he’s pushed us all up them.
Thank you, Mike. We all appreciate who you are and what you’ve done for us.
We love you.
*From Dr Seuss’s One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
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