30 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Grief, Stress Tags: relationships, Sandi
This week has been a tough one. I have found myself mentally blogging stories in my head to try to rid myself of the suffocating emotions that have wrapped themselves around me so tightly, that it’s tough to breathe. But when I sit to write these posts for real, I can only get so far before the blanket gets tighter and its too hard to go on. These posts are saved in my drafts. They are important to write. I need to work through these things so that I can try to shed myself of this heavy quilt once and for all. I may not be able to do this today or tomorrow or even next week, but I will. I will.
When I’m ready
27 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Stress Tags: relationships, Stress
Tut, tut…it looks like rain.
I don’t know what it is, but the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. People ask me what’s wrong, why I’m crabby or upset and I try to tell them. But putting it in words, just makes me feel selfish and petty. Little things bug me lately. I can’t seem to not sweat the small stuff. I read the comments and the quotes about choosing happiness…and I do in small increments of time, but right now…it’s so hard.
I was mowing my lawn last week…and with all that “alone time”, all I could do was, literally, seethe about all the things currently irritating me (one being the fact that I was mowing the lawn.) Suddenly, I became aware that my whole thought process was about how angry I was…about stupid little things. I looked up in the sky and directly above me was a dark black cloud that was churning and moving. My first thought was…rain. And then I noticed that nowhere else in the sky were there even clouds. That this little black rain cloud had developed right over my yard, me….and my very negative thoughts. It was a haunting awareness of my thoughts and my state of mind. I worked hard for the remainder of time that I was mowing to think of other happier things…and the little black rain cloud slowly broke itself up, without ever truly raining.
I’ve tried in recent days to remove myself from this place. I have a lot of people that are relying on me heavily right now…and that prevents me from being able to really address what I need to with me. More notably, I’m aware that there are people that want to help, but my inability to feel secure about what’s really bugging me prevents me from asking or allowing for help. I’m hopeful that as the stresses of this week draw to a close, I’ll be allowed a little time for me…to work on me, to build me up again…to really hear what is bugging me, so I can work it out and move beyond this.
I really don’t like to think of myself as sad, depressed or unhappy. In general, I’m not. But every once in awhile, a little black rain cloud parks itself, beligerantly, over my head. Somedays, it’s all I can do to look up at that little cloud and pray for it not to rain down on me.
Weathering the Storm,
Angi
09 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships, vacation, Wedding
I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time. **Side note: Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently** When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working. Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable. He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room. I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag. I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming. I’ve almost got it, he said. I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work. Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm. I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom. I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office. I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed. He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around. He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him. Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, “Of course I will.” It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget.
This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t. After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”. I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?” He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him. With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.” And ask he did.
Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas. “I’d love that”, I said.
Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.
Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.
Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.
Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony. We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far. The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight. It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.” and the only answer I had for him was…yes.
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