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10 May 2010 14 Comments
in Family, Love Tags: Five for Ten
My ex husband wasn’t abusive. He wasn’t unfaithful. And he didn’t steal or drive us into insurmountable debt. But he wasn’t present….ever. When we first got married, he said he worked all the time so that when we had kids he’d be comfortable in his career path. Then after my son was born, he had a very important job, that mandated overnight work and often resulted in “emergent” situations. Plus, I had it handled. Then we moved, so that he could take a new job, one that wouldn’t require him to be at the office so many hours. Only that didn’t work out, because he started traveling and playing multiple intramural sports. Then we moved back “home”, so that I could get some help with the kids and he could try again to find a job that didn’t require endless hours at the office. I moved with the kids alone, for three months, then the job he took required that he travel….100%. He came home every other weekend to catch up on sleep and do his laundry. I raised the kids, worked full time and got my master’s degree all while he lived in Indianapolis or Houston or Minneapolis.
All along I made it work. I made my own family wherever we lived. I had dinner with my friends multiple times per week. I’d cook just so they’d come over and hang out with us. I found family for us wherever we went. My daughter grew up for the first 4 years of her live with her father living somewhere else and just visiting. It was a constant struggle. But surviving that was not the courageous part. Deciding to leave, deciding that my kids and I both deserved better was the courageous part.
I fretted over the relationship not working. I hated myself for wanting to leave a man who wasn’t abusive or evil in some way. But I hated being ignored, insignificant and alone. When he was out of town, he didn’t call or email. He’d call every couple of days at nearly midnight and try to talk. (I’m a morning person…and not 12 am morning…so THIS was not working) I felt unimportant. I felt like I served purposes for him that were merely secretarial in nature. We tried to understand each other. We tried talking about how I felt unhappy and alone. He couldn’t understand that. His answer was that he was working for all of us to have a roof over our head, etc. I tried to explain that I’d live with a smaller roof and less stuff, if it meant I had a partner. We talked at each other a lot. We didn’t communicated…we didn’t, either one of us, feel loved or respected. And so, we separated…and two years later, we divorced.
It was the hardest and best decision I’ve ever had the courage to make. My kids now spend 50% of their time with their father. He doesn’t travel except on the days that I have the kids. He’s made some very significant life changes so that he is available to them. I can’t say that there isn’t something there that doesn’t hurt. That it took me saying enough, for him to finally make the needed changes, stings. But my kids get to grow up with their dad, and for that I am eternally grateful.
And I, finally have a partner. Someone who shares the load with me. Who loves me unconditionally. Who looks forward to coming home and talking with me every night. I have someone who wants to provide emotional, physical, social AND economic support. And if that means we don’t have the HUGEST house or the most toys….we’re okay with that, because we have love and support.
There are many who think that divorce is a result of being weak or cowardice; even once, that might have been me. And it’s not what I consider ideal. I wish that my kids’ Dad and I had made a better team, but I can tell you without a doubt that both he and I are happier. That my kids are loved beyond their wildest imagination. And that the courage I had to admit defeat, gave them their father and gave me the chance to know real love.
Join me and the others at Momalom for Five for Ten.
14 Comments (+add yours?)
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May 10, 2010 @ 09:33:35
While not abuse in the… “traditional” sense, being made to feel inconsequential to the person who CHOSE you messes with your head, if nothing else.
“That it took me saying, enough, for him to finally make the changes, but my kids get to grow up with their dad, and for that I am eternally grateful.”
This is awesome. So glad that you did what you needed for you AND your kids, and that this was a (great) by-product.
Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Bittersweet
May 10, 2010 @ 13:53:20
Parenting is a partnership. If one partner is neglecting their half for too long it can become wearisome. Your decision to leave must have been heart wrenching, but who has the right to question your motives? It sounds like your kids weren’t seeing their father much anyway!
Besides that, you are very courageous. Excellent post.
Amber´s last blog ..That Was Love
May 10, 2010 @ 17:33:59
Courageous, yes. I am glad that you found what you, what anyone, deserves all along.
Corina´s last blog ..Engagement
May 10, 2010 @ 18:09:19
And there’s also the courage to believe there was something (someone) better out there, to hold fast to your own dreams and what you knew you deserved. What a powerful story!
Stacia´s last blog ..Five for Ten: Courage
May 10, 2010 @ 18:13:29
Finding my way over from Momalom’s Five for Ten and pleased to meet you.This was a brave post to write, with lots of honest and important feelings. I think that’s what’s courageous, recognizing that YOU are important too and doing what YOU need. Sometimes it’s a lot easier to fall back on what’s comfortable, to make excuses. But to know what you need and to make it happen, that’s amazing, and tremendously courageous.
Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Courage
May 10, 2010 @ 19:19:45
Here from momalom
It takes so much courage to do what is best for YOU as well as your family, and it sounds like you did just that!
Corinne´s last blog ..{Five for Ten} Courage
May 10, 2010 @ 20:51:32
It takes courage to choose happiness. Good for you for choosing happiness, I applaud you. Your children will have learned a lot from this example that you have set for them, that they are worthy and deserving of happiness too.
Shawna´s last blog ..Without Borders
May 11, 2010 @ 06:27:58
I understand that you may not think that your marriage was abusive. I don’t think a lot of women who are in abusive relationships see it. You were courageous beyond belief to want and get something better for you and your children. What a marvelous example you have set for them!
Nicki´s last blog ..Who in Your Life Has Shown You What Courage Is?
May 11, 2010 @ 09:03:49
Making changes does take courage, and that was a huge change. i am glad your lives are better for it. So wonderful to find happiness by having the courage to seek it.
May 11, 2010 @ 10:49:56
I am in total agreement! It takes courage to admit that something isn’t working, to forge out on your own, not knowing what’s down the road. That IS brave.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..Veg-Head Monday: Zucchini Stuffed Tomatoes
May 11, 2010 @ 12:32:23
I remember telling my husband, before we were married, that if we were to be married we would never be divorced. He would start to say, “Well, but…” and I would stop him and say “No!” Yes, of course I realize how naive I was. I knew it would be hard work, but didn’t realize just how hard. I also didn’t really stop to think that the person I was marrying might not always share the same views as me.
This post is, while incredibly courageous in itself and in the story it tells, an important one for me to read. To know that you are happy now, to see your kids have an even better relationship with their father (it sounds like), this is a wonderful thing.
Bravo.
May 11, 2010 @ 12:35:49
Having the courage to take a chance on there being something better around the next bend is HUGE. You could have stayed. You could have kept the status quo. Looking at it, that may have been the easier choice, but certainly not the best one.
Its like that old addage… you cannot discover new oceans until you have the courage to loose sight of the shore.
Glad I found you!
Samantha´s last blog ..Courage
May 11, 2010 @ 16:44:51
To recognize what you want and where you want to be is reflection. But to actually do something about it, that is courageous. I have friends that are in your situation and they complain, but are unwilling to do anything to change what makes them unhappy. I applaud you for taking a stand.
Glad to read this post through Momalom.
May 16, 2010 @ 13:04:43
It takes a strong woman to admit all the above; you are.
Just remember that loving, and being loved should be hand in hand. Never should one be without the other!