27 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Stress Tags: relationships, Stress
Tut, tut…it looks like rain.
I don’t know what it is, but the last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. People ask me what’s wrong, why I’m crabby or upset and I try to tell them. But putting it in words, just makes me feel selfish and petty. Little things bug me lately. I can’t seem to not sweat the small stuff. I read the comments and the quotes about choosing happiness…and I do in small increments of time, but right now…it’s so hard.
I was mowing my lawn last week…and with all that “alone time”, all I could do was, literally, seethe about all the things currently irritating me (one being the fact that I was mowing the lawn.) Suddenly, I became aware that my whole thought process was about how angry I was…about stupid little things. I looked up in the sky and directly above me was a dark black cloud that was churning and moving. My first thought was…rain. And then I noticed that nowhere else in the sky were there even clouds. That this little black rain cloud had developed right over my yard, me….and my very negative thoughts. It was a haunting awareness of my thoughts and my state of mind. I worked hard for the remainder of time that I was mowing to think of other happier things…and the little black rain cloud slowly broke itself up, without ever truly raining.
I’ve tried in recent days to remove myself from this place. I have a lot of people that are relying on me heavily right now…and that prevents me from being able to really address what I need to with me. More notably, I’m aware that there are people that want to help, but my inability to feel secure about what’s really bugging me prevents me from asking or allowing for help. I’m hopeful that as the stresses of this week draw to a close, I’ll be allowed a little time for me…to work on me, to build me up again…to really hear what is bugging me, so I can work it out and move beyond this.
I really don’t like to think of myself as sad, depressed or unhappy. In general, I’m not. But every once in awhile, a little black rain cloud parks itself, beligerantly, over my head. Somedays, it’s all I can do to look up at that little cloud and pray for it not to rain down on me.
Weathering the Storm,
Angi
09 Jul 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships, vacation, Wedding
I dropped my kids off at their father’s at bed time and raced to his house for a celebratory drink and early bed time. **Side note: Who the HELL goes on vacation on a 5 am flight??? Me apparently** When I got there, much to my dismay, he was working. Because he’s a computer geek for a bank, his hours are highly variable. He assured me that he’d still have a drink with me, we’d just have to celebrate in the office, instead of the bedroom dining room. I poured us each a drink and went about putting the last few items in the bag. I was wrapping up my fidgeting and stopped in to see how his work was coming. I’ve almost got it, he said. I sat with him for what seemed like an hour, quietly watching him work. Then I kissed him on the head and told him I was heading to bed, as it was already 10 pm. I was going through my nightly routine when I heard him get up from his desk and head into the bedroom. I assumed he was giving up and turning in too. But when I got to the bedroom, he wasn’t there…he was back in his office. I teasingly chided him for being too committed to his job and started climbing into bed. He came in, grabbed me gently by the shoulders and turned me around. He said a few things, equally awkward and sweet, and then in the most tender way, asked me if I’d marry him. Now, with all the impending beauty of sunsets, beaches, oceans, boats, romance and RUM…this was the LAST thing I had expected, but I said the first thing that came to my mind. I said, “Of course I will.” It wasn’t a spectacular moment, not one for the history books or a Lifetime movie, but in his way, it was VERY romantic…and a moment I’ll never forget.
This is where one would assume the proposal was over, however, it wasn’t. After a sleepless night of anticipation, we were sitting quietly on the plane and he leaned over to me and whispered, “you never did actually say yes”. I grinned coyly at him and said, “I didn’t?” He assured me I hadn’t and repeated my words to him. With a twinkle in my eye, I said, “well if that’s the answer you’re looking for, you’re going to have to keep asking.” And ask he did.
Day 1: He asked when we landed in St. Thomas. “I’d love that”, I said.
Day 2: He asked as we watched the sunset from the balcony bar in the hotel. “Sure”, I giggled.
Day3: He asked on the boat, as we headed towards St. Johns. “Mmmhmmm,” I affirmed.
Day 4: He asked from atop the highest point on St. Thomas, as we shared an amazing rum drink and took in the view. “Okay!” I toyed with him.
Later that night, when we returned to our room, there was a live band playing on the patio directly below our balcony. We ordered drinks to the room and sat outside, listening to them play and reliving the amazing moments of our trip, thus far. The band slowed the tempo down and we danced together, so close and almost still, under the moonlight. It was at that moment, he said, “Will you marry me.” and the only answer I had for him was…yes.
28 Jun 2010
by Worth Itin Love, Wedding Tags: Dreams, Love, relationships
One of the first things I said after my divorce was, I’ll never get married again. And I really believed that. Mind you, I didn’t plan to grow old alone, but I wasn’t comfortable with letting the idea of being “married” and all the stress it put on my previous relationship happen to me again. Then slowly, I started to discover that neither the pomp and circumstance of a wedding, nor the vows of the marriage had dissolved what my ex and I had created. We did. We never talked about our feelings, we only yelled when we were angry. We didn’t hear what the other was saying, we just planned our next rebuttal. We were proud people, who forgot to build OUR team. We forgot to put each other first. We grew in different directions. When life handed us circumstances that made it easy for us to grow apart, we didn’t put our efforts into building a stronger US…we put our efforts into making ourselves more independent. We erased the need or desire to lean on the other person. It wasn’t marriage that did that, it was little choices that we made along the way. Unintentional choices, that chipped away and eroded our foundation.
So when Mike and I were first dating, I made some stupid off-hand comment about never getting married again. And for just a split second, a look of hurt flashed across his face. I never said those words out loud again…although, there was still a part of me that thought that. Then months later, we were arguing about something small, and we both recognized early on that it was me…carrying my baggage of my past relationship. He said to me, “I’m not him…let me make my own mistakes.” And it hit me, like a ton of bricks. Just because I’d failed once, didn’t mean I was destined to fail again. In fact, I was now armed with experience and knowledge of what can happen.” And so I let him be him…and he failed and I failed, but we did it together. And when we fail, we talk about it. And when we hurt one another, we talk about it. And when we are feeling lonely or needy, we tell one another. I learned to be vulnerable with him. That if I tell him my feelings, he will listen and he will HEAR me. I learned that a relationship is never cemented, it’s one day at a time. Every day a blessing, every day a battle, every day important. So Mike and I, we talk, every day. We talk about little things, we talk about big things. We share our frustrations of work. We share our successes at work or fitness or parenting. He and I, we’re a team…every day.
So when he asked if I would spend the rest of my life with him, the only answer I could have possibly given was yes. (Well, actually I said, sure…which led him to ask me about 6 more times over the next 4 days until he heard the answer he truly wanted, but that’s a story for another day.) Because, together we will build a marriage, one brick, one talk, one kiss, one day at a time. Never forgetting that to say I do, is to say I will, each day for the rest of my life.
Anxiously Engaged,
Angi
10 Jun 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Wedding Tags: Dress Quest 2010, Wedding
So…I’m getting married.
…
…
…
WOW! I am still letting that set in. But, now that there is a prospective date, I’m VERY excited. This time around, the details of the wedding seem like more chores and annoyances, because I am not focused on the day. I’m focused on forever. It’s a good thing. One thing that is a huge annoyance is finding THE dress. You see, I found it….on the interwebz. It looks like this.
What I can’t find is WHERE I can try on and hopefully buy that dress. I am giving it my all, though. I will travel far and wide to find that dress. I will make phone calls to bridal shops up to 300 miles away to see if they have it in their stores. I have tried on several other dresses but they just aren’t that one. I have enlisted the help of my very best friend to FIND. THIS. DRESS.
Woe will be me, if I find it and I hate the way it looks on me…..
Relentlessly Searching,
Angi
26 May 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Music Tags: live music, Sandi
In Loving Memory of Sandi
21 May 2010
by Worth Itin Happiness, Hobbies, Love Tags: Our Mike, Sandi, working out
Tonight I go in to take my first ever “BEFORE” photo. I will be in a swimsuit. FOR. A. PHOTO. Uh….CRAP! I don’t like pictures of myself in a swimsuit when I’m at a reasonable weight. I am NOT, currently, at a reasonable weight for me. But, I think the way to take this seriously and understand the life changes I have to make, I NEED to do this. So today, I take a picture.
Tomorrow, after going to the Goo Goo Dolls concert outdoors tonight. I go to do a pre-session physical capability test. Run a mile, do sit ups for one minute, do push ups for one minute, weigh in, take measurements, etc. (Clearly beer consumption will be limited, at best.)
THEN, after that, I am going to attempt to learn how to golf via instruction from my boyfriend and his buddy. I do NOT do well with being taught to do anything. CRAP! But, I HAVE to learn because my company golf outing is in two weeks and I have to take the place of my best friend. I have learned how to make bomb pop shots and will make breakfast burritos, so, although they are big shoes to fill….all that’s left is the “learning how to golf thing”. I’m really counting on getting those around me drunk enough that I don’t have to worry about it.
Why do I do this stuff to myself???
Masochistic Kisses,
Angi
18 May 2010
by Worth Itin Pursuing Wine Tags: Wine Review
A new wine review page…
In an effort to continue giving me things to write about and add new reasons to enjoy a glass of wine at the end of the day, I’m starting my own wine review. Notice the new page, Pursuing Wine. I look forward to sharing many a delicious bottle with you.
In the Spirit of Bacchus, God of Wine,
Much Love,
Angi
13 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Happiness, Love Tags: Five for Ten, Love, Our Mike, parenting, working out
Having a partner that wakes you up for a 5:00 AM kickboxing class…because he knows that you will both have fun doing it together…and getting up and giving it your all, because you DO enjoy working out together.
Getting a Mother’s Day card from your daughter that simply states…”You make me smile”…and telling her that the sight of her face and the sound of her voice do the same thing for you everyday.
Flowers brought home and put in a vase, for no reason…and stopping to smell them, each time you pass by.
When your son is in a snuggling mood all day….even when he’s 11…and not letting the length of your to-do list push him away.
Coming home from the longest day ever, to find that the dishwasher has been emptied and reloaded…and thanking your family for helping to carry the load.
Being greeted at the door by your pets when you get home…they missed you so much while you were gone…and taking a moment to pet each one.
The smile from your kids when you show up somewhere they don’t expect you…and realizing that merely the sight of you brightened their day.
Being wrapped up in your lover’s arms… and taking the time to hug back.
Seeing your kids play together…without fighting…and stopping for a moment to enjoy the show.
When your best friend sends you a note, just to say she’s thinking of you…and taking the time to tell her you’re lucky to have her in your life.
Every day, something happens that allows for happiness. Choosing to acknowledge it, feel it and let it consume you is the difference between being happy and pursuing happy. It’s the everyday small things, that if we take the time to recognize how they make us feel, will keep us fulfilled and happy.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault
11 May 2010
by Worth Itin Uncategorized
Last Summer, under the guise of challenging myself, I climbed Long’s Peak with my boyfriend and his friend. It was awesome, amazing and scary as HELL. The first day we went to go test our altitude tolerance and put in a good hike. We did an 8 hour hike, to the most amazing place on earth.
I would do this hike any hour of any day…it was perfect.
The next two days, we spent venturing leisurely around Estes Park.
And then came D day. Not only were we going to climb a 14,ooo ft mountain, but also my period started. God help the men that were going to force accompany me on this journey. We woke up at 1:30 in the morning to get started early. It’s important, after all, to up and back below tree line before the afternoon thunderstorms roll through. As we were pulling up to the trailhead, in the road were three huge elk. It was a beautiful start. The early part of the hike was gorgeous. The temperature was cool, the moon was full, and the view was amazing. When we turned to wrap around the back of the mountain, we were above the clouds as the sun was rising. It was a completely surreal moment.
After this, the positive surreal moments are few and far between. I should have mentioned that I have a rather severe fear of heights…the moment that we crossed over the boulder field and through the keyhole, my fun ended. We went across the ledges, through the narrows and made it to the home stretch. I cried frequently, real tears. My uterus, in it’s angry state reminded me repeatedly that I had babies at home that did not want to grow up without a mother. It was HARD. It was painful. I wanted to quit no fewer than 10 times.
I lived through this…
And this…
And this…
I don’t think I’d ever do it again…because I was truly afraid. Significantly afraid. But, my boyfriend has told me time and time again, how proud he was of my courage and my determination to follow through a 13 hour hike, better than half of which was WAY outside my comfort zone, because I wanted to push myself. Every inch of us hurt by the time we got back down that mountain, we were exhausted, and we were STARVING. It was a trek, a trial and a complete triumph. Stupidity or courage, either way, I’ll never forget.
10 May 2010
by Worth Itin Family, Love Tags: Five for Ten
My ex husband wasn’t abusive. He wasn’t unfaithful. And he didn’t steal or drive us into insurmountable debt. But he wasn’t present….ever. When we first got married, he said he worked all the time so that when we had kids he’d be comfortable in his career path. Then after my son was born, he had a very important job, that mandated overnight work and often resulted in “emergent” situations. Plus, I had it handled. Then we moved, so that he could take a new job, one that wouldn’t require him to be at the office so many hours. Only that didn’t work out, because he started traveling and playing multiple intramural sports. Then we moved back “home”, so that I could get some help with the kids and he could try again to find a job that didn’t require endless hours at the office. I moved with the kids alone, for three months, then the job he took required that he travel….100%. He came home every other weekend to catch up on sleep and do his laundry. I raised the kids, worked full time and got my master’s degree all while he lived in Indianapolis or Houston or Minneapolis.
All along I made it work. I made my own family wherever we lived. I had dinner with my friends multiple times per week. I’d cook just so they’d come over and hang out with us. I found family for us wherever we went. My daughter grew up for the first 4 years of her live with her father living somewhere else and just visiting. It was a constant struggle. But surviving that was not the courageous part. Deciding to leave, deciding that my kids and I both deserved better was the courageous part.
I fretted over the relationship not working. I hated myself for wanting to leave a man who wasn’t abusive or evil in some way. But I hated being ignored, insignificant and alone. When he was out of town, he didn’t call or email. He’d call every couple of days at nearly midnight and try to talk. (I’m a morning person…and not 12 am morning…so THIS was not working) I felt unimportant. I felt like I served purposes for him that were merely secretarial in nature. We tried to understand each other. We tried talking about how I felt unhappy and alone. He couldn’t understand that. His answer was that he was working for all of us to have a roof over our head, etc. I tried to explain that I’d live with a smaller roof and less stuff, if it meant I had a partner. We talked at each other a lot. We didn’t communicated…we didn’t, either one of us, feel loved or respected. And so, we separated…and two years later, we divorced.
It was the hardest and best decision I’ve ever had the courage to make. My kids now spend 50% of their time with their father. He doesn’t travel except on the days that I have the kids. He’s made some very significant life changes so that he is available to them. I can’t say that there isn’t something there that doesn’t hurt. That it took me saying enough, for him to finally make the needed changes, stings. But my kids get to grow up with their dad, and for that I am eternally grateful.
And I, finally have a partner. Someone who shares the load with me. Who loves me unconditionally. Who looks forward to coming home and talking with me every night. I have someone who wants to provide emotional, physical, social AND economic support. And if that means we don’t have the HUGEST house or the most toys….we’re okay with that, because we have love and support.
There are many who think that divorce is a result of being weak or cowardice; even once, that might have been me. And it’s not what I consider ideal. I wish that my kids’ Dad and I had made a better team, but I can tell you without a doubt that both he and I are happier. That my kids are loved beyond their wildest imagination. And that the courage I had to admit defeat, gave them their father and gave me the chance to know real love.
Join me and the others at Momalom for Five for Ten.
Previous Older Entries
RSS
Twitter
